Huge study about safety can be misinterpreted by SUV drivers

Perhaps you presume that those who believe in the value of marriage and
familty to society, to the exclusion of moral anarchy, is due to weak
mindedness. Peasants nodding agreement, with bland stares, to
power-mongering priests.

Quite to the contrary in my view.

 

I disagree. Whatever the marriage failure rate has been or is, there are
still plenty of successful enough marriages and family units and the hope
for better success is always there.

Too often (not always) step-parents intrude on a childs relationship with
the only full-time parent they have left. And the dependent benefits of
marriage don't apply to second marriages. The biological parents retain
most of the protective benefits of marriage, even after divorce for the sake
of the children unless an adoption occurs.

 

Maybe you've missed many of the earlier posts.

 

This means a woman and a tree can have children too. Both types.

 

No, the benefit is carrying forward values and blessings from generation to
generation. You can try to stir up the stew by throwing in a bunch of "what
if"'s about happy, well adjusted, smart, intelligent gay couples and stupid,
idiodic, lying, cheating, bank-robbing straight couples. It doesn't change
the principles of the argument though.

That isn't the point, and no it isn't tough on Athiests (they should
thank.... oh never mind). The basis for our entire political system, and
what made it unique at the time, is the concept that there are certain
rights that can't be granted by *any* institution or government (or
community) because they are inalienable. So they were described as granted
"by God".

The notion that our rights are granted by the community is un-American.
Literally. In the monarchies of the past, rights were derived from the
monarch. They were the gods of their subjects. Communism claims all rights
eminate from the government or 'proletariet'.

We all know that he who has the power to grant, also has the power to take
away.

By the way... are you from Canada? It didn't occur to me that you might be
and that maybe Canadians rights aren't recognized as "God given".

Well that works both ways (left and right). And it's true for the politcal
faces of Democrats and Republicans. But actually, it isn't true. Both left
and right have won ideological vitories in the US. There is a huge
entitlement class in the US thanks to the left. The right is not going to
change it. The right has built a powerful military that has protected
freedom and liberty wordwide and has the courage to use it.

We have, but it's caused family problems for double income families with
children. It hasn't been a good thing. It's tended towards a negative
effect on families. The idea of women in the work force as a concept
isolated to itself is not an issue. Just it's effect on the family.

Oh heavens. Anything we do by gender. Public bathrooms and locker rooms,
public nudity, public discrimination of private organizations that gender
discriminate (the priesthood, private universities, etc.). There are
probably better examples, but we wouldn't benefit from a gender normalized
society. That's not to say that there are some things that should be gender
normalized that maybe aren't, just that it's unrealistic and undesirable to
normalize *everything* we do and *every* institution by gender. That's why
the Equal Rights Amendment lost 30 years ago. Men and women are different
to a degree that warrants proper discrimination.

Not at all! The courts have no such jurisdiction! They only have power to
rule on the law. You seem to have missed the point. If marriage were a
civil right, then congress could not pass laws regulating it and the courts
would enforce it. As long as it isn't a civil right, congress, or
legislatures, can regulate it in the interest of the public welfare (that's
for you Lloyd) as they see fit. Since they are our representatives, they
represent the public view by how they vote to regulate things. If they vote
to allow gay marriage. That's what we'll do. If the court "finds" a right
to marriage in the constitution (and only a leftest court would), then
congress is removed from the picture and thus the desires and opinions of
the people on the matter are rendered irrelevent (unless we pass a
constitutional amendment).

 

Divorce, by itself, isn't proof our insitution of marriage doesn't work.
Early on Lenin and the Soviets attempted to eradicate the family so the
state could raise children ideologically pure. Now there's a model that
failed badly.

I'm sure it does, but don't get the idea that those organizations exist (any
longer) because of racism. They've transformed into political and financial
entities seeking power. They love to find racism to justify the good will
they need to exist. They love to find racism so much they'll find it where
it isn't... just to find something. They love to conjure up anger and
resentment in the black community at every turn.

That's not marriage. That's a contract and anyone (adult) can enter a
contract.

 

Which means legislatures can regulate marriage according to the values that
got them elected. That means *the courts can stay out of it* and let
legislatures decide. It means that gay marriage isn't protected by the
constitution.

I can live with that.

Not in the most distilled sense. The things that have changed are things
like having increased women's rights within marriage, but it still remains
as it has for millenia. A man and a woman (well, or women in some culures)
creating a family to become productive members of future generations.

I actually take that back. The legislature should be able to stop certain
marriages according to what they think is for the general welfare of that
country (that's for you Lloyd).

The state, being constituted from elected representatives, will reflect the
values of society. It's a choice. As long as I get to vote my way without
it being negated by anything other than more votes on the other side, I can
live with it.

 

What? That it would change the nature of marriage from producing successful
future generations to one of access to benefits?

Not in the sense that it changes the nature of marriage.

 

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are
the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy
on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep
this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent
firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless
chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located
a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all the beer.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt
something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it
possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive. JUDGE
TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat
is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off? It really pissed me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian
variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet.
Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines
are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with
too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the
chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should
take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3- He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade
in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt
is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach

 

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are
the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy
on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep
this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent
firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless
chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located
a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all the beer.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt
something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it
possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive. JUDGE
TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat
is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off? It really pissed me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian
variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet.
Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines
are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with
too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the
chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should
take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3- He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade
in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt
is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach

 

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are
the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy
on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep
this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent
firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless
chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located
a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all the beer.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt
something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it
possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive. JUDGE
TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat
is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off? It really pissed me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian
variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet.
Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines
are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with
too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the
chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should
take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3- He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade
in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt
is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach

 

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are
the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy
on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep
this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent
firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless
chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located
a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all the beer.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt
something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it
possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive. JUDGE
TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat
is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off? It really pissed me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian
variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet.
Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines
are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with
too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the
chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should
take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3- He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade
in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt
is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach

 

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are
the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy
on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep
this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent
firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless
chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located
a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all the beer.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt
something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it
possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive. JUDGE
TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat
is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off? It really pissed me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian
variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet.
Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines
are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with
too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the
chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should
take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3- He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade
in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt
is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach

 

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are
the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy
on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep
this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent
firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless
chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located
a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all the beer.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt
something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it
possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive. JUDGE
TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat
is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off? It really pissed me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian
variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet.
Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines
are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with
too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the
chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should
take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3- He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade
in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt
is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach

 

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are
the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy
on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep
this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent
firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless
chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located
a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all the beer.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt
something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it
possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive. JUDGE
TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat
is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off? It really pissed me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian
variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet.
Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines
are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with
too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the
chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should
take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3- He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade
in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt
is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach

 

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are
the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy
on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep
this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent
firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless
chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located
a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all the beer.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt
something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it
possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive. JUDGE
TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat
is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off? It really pissed me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian
variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet.
Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines
are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with
too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the
chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should
take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3- He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade
in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt
is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach

 

GIVING PILLS TO CATS AND DOGS MADE EASY

CATS:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm -- holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously for 30-40 seconds.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap. Throw pieces of towel in garbage.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously while performing all steps.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters left.



DOGS:
1. Wrap pill in bacon.

 

GIVING PILLS TO CATS AND DOGS MADE EASY

CATS:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm -- holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously for 30-40 seconds.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap. Throw pieces of towel in garbage.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously while performing all steps.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters left.



DOGS:
1. Wrap pill in bacon.

 

GIVING PILLS TO CATS AND DOGS MADE EASY

CATS:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm -- holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously for 30-40 seconds.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap. Throw pieces of towel in garbage.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously while performing all steps.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters left.



DOGS:
1. Wrap pill in bacon.